I am sure you have read plenty of articles about how to sell a home. Let’s look at how you can guarantee to NOT sell your home!
If you follow this advice, I can guarantee that you may never sell your home! And if you do sell your home, you definitely won’t get top dollar!
Warning! Sarcasm and irony ahead!
Yes, most of these “problems” can be corrected without spending a lot of money. But why would you care?
If your Realtor starts talking crazy about how you need to fix these things now, ignore them.
What do Realtors know anyway?
Realtors think they know about selling homes just because they make their living helping people buy and sell homes! The best way to ensure that your home will not sell is to ignore the advice of a professional with years of experience!
If you work really hard your house can earn a bad reputation among REALTORS! All the local Realtors will give your home cute names like the smelly house, the dog house, or the house with the crazy seller!
After all, all publicity is good publicity. Even bad publicity! Right?
The best way to shorten a pesky potential home buyer’s stay is to have a stinky home. What you are aiming for are pungent odors like cigarette smoke, pets, and mildew!
Odors like these are sure to make them hold their nose, cover their mouth, and have watering eyes. The last thing you want to do is give a fresh, clean first impression.
If potential home buyers start gagging, then you can feel comfortable knowing those buyers will never make an offer!
People like to say that a man’s home is his castle right? But do you remember seeing any medieval castles being well lit?
Besides, too much light is bad for your eyes! Remember that dark dimly lit rooms will force a buyer to imagine what lies in the shadows…
You may hear suggestions to take down heavy curtains, clean the windows or put in higher wattage bulbs. If you want to scare away buyers, you must NOT make these easy and cheap changes!
Think about all the wasted electricity those potential home buyers will use! Make sure every other light bulb in your home is burnt out for the highest level of aggravation!
Light switches that do not work also help to discourage home buyers. Imagine the reaction as buyers flip switches up and down in a futile attempt to see your home!
I keep telling people to forget about updating! A retro look will just show how trendy you are!
If you wait long enough, everything eventually comes back into style. If it was good enough for your Grandmother, then it is good enough for everybody else!
Plus, the way your home looks today is a reminder of all the good times you have had since you moved in years ago. If someone wants your house, they can change it themselves.
You probably don’t have time to update and neutralize anyway! The older and more outdated your home looks, the better!
Remember, antiques are expensive so if your home looks antiquated, it will will make it worth more money. Like something that belongs on the Antiques Roadshow!
We all know that dogs are a man’s best friend. Why would you make your furry friend suffer for several hours in a travel crate?
If the buyer cannot understand that this house is also a home for your pets, then they just need to move on! And if your dog is mean, that is even better!
An aggressive pet will keep potential buyers from wasting your time by looking at your home for too long. A dog that growls and barks constantly helps to ensure buyers will not view your home adequately!
You dog is probably a good judge of character. If your dog does not like anyone viewing your home, you probably don’t want to sell it to them anyway…
You may still live in your home while it is selling. But don’t let that change how you use your home!
Especially when it comes to your bathroom! Don’t buyers realize what people do in bathrooms?
That little spot of mildew in the corner of the shower just serves as a reminder that the shampoo goes here. A clean, freshly painted bathroom with a new shower curtain and towels feels unused.
The bathroom is one of the most used rooms in the home so be sure buyers know that you use the bathroom!
I suggest leaving the seat up so it will make male buyers feel like they are at home!
Your home is your castle, right? And a basement is kind of like a dungeon, right?
So people will need to expect damp smells in your basement. Dungeons are dark damp places so it is OK if your basement is dark and damp!
Make sure to leave stuff on the steps going into the basement! The basement is a fine place for low wattage or burnt out bulbs!
If your basement has a dark, scary feel, then you can be confident that it will turn off potential buyers!
When you are selling a home, did you know that you have the power to make home buyers run away? If you try hard enough, you can get some buyers to keep on driving when they pull up in front of your house!
Imagine the time that can be saved by not showing your home! Showings are a pain and taking time out of your day for a buyer is stupid.
A lack of curb appeal is the best way you can prevent home buyers from bothering you. You have a life and do not want to be bothered with showings anyway!
Let the new owners worry about lawn maintenance. Besides, potential home buyers may not like lush green grass or pretty flower beds.
Who knows your house better than you? Why you do!
That is why you should always be there for every showing! Some home buyers may feel a little awkward about opening closet doors and staying for a really good look at the house.
But those are not the serious buyers. Buyers should really appreciate the extra effort and time you are taking to show your own home.
Buyers should remember this is your home and it is only available for showings when you feel like it. After all, if they cannot conform to your schedule, then you do not want to sell to them anyway!
If you make buyers uncomfortable by being present during showings, you can rest assured they will hesitate to make an offer! Speaking of uncomfortable…
If it is hot weather, turn the air conditioning off. It is cold weather, be sure the heat is not working.
Anything you can do to make buyers uncomfortable will ensure they do not want to buy your home!
It doesn’t cost a lot of time or money to clean and paint the house. Why should you spend any time or money to make your home more attractive?
If buyers don’t want to buy your home as it is, they should just move on! While cleaning and painting is the cheapest and easiest way to improve a home, why bother?
If you do any work, it should mean the buyer will have to pay more for your house! If you do any painting or cleaning, the buyer should be willing to pay more than it is worth!
After all, it is just money we are talking about?
You can find better things to do than painting rooms with brighter paint in neutral colors. Watching paint dry is boring and who wants to be bored?
The final and best way to ensure your home does not sell is to ask too much. Think about how much you need and how much you want.
Add how much you want and how much you need. Then add 25% on top of that.
Or double it. Or triple it. The choice is yours…
Whatever works for you since you know your home is worth more than any other home ever built!
The finer things in life come at a premium price and as far as you are concerned, your home is the best!
If a buyer wants your home, they need to be prepared to pay what you want. What similar homes in the surrounding area have no bearing on what your home is worth!
The Take Away
I hope that you have seen the irony and sarcasm in all of these suggestions! If you do follow any of this advice, you can be guaranteed to have a tough time selling your home!